oh hi feelings.

I woke up today and wanted to write about it.

I know I don’t owe anyone an explanation. I know I can say something or not say something. People will find out in time. But writing is my anchor and here we are.

Matt and I have separated.
I moved out of our house in early September.I had hoped separation and space would bring clarity. Moving out felt like a clear step in the middle of so much uncertainty. We worked hard to make this relationship work (for a long time) until it finally became obvious it wasn’t working and the one thing that hadn’t been tried was stopping trying.

It seems like when people die- grief has clear markers. That person was alive and now they’re not.  Maybe it’s more socially acceptable to be a mess when someone passes away.  Grieving a relationship…..i don’t know. The markers feel fuzzier. They build up over time and the separation falling away layers are so slow- sometimes it’s subtle all the little things you think might’ve caused the distance. Then there are some bigger markers where you know things need to shift and change but maybe you think it’s just a rough patch or you’ve weathered it before and it will get better. You don’t want it to be over so you don’t let it be over. It’s messy. Then there comes a moment of clarity, shattering and humbling and also you know it’s the right thing in your gut even though your heart fucking hurts. I haven’t wanted to talk to many people except my shrink and a few friends about all this. I’m not sure why I want to write and share this now, and in such a public way, but I do.. I just want people to know. Not like I’m harboring a secret but my world is different. Sometimes when I’ve told people we’re separated, there’s judgement based on their own story of who they want you to be – or who they thought you were with this person. Sometimes I feel a little embarrassed to be letting them down. But mostly people have been kind. Mostly the judgement happening is my own – judging myself for how I was in the relationship, and for how I am dealing with things now.  And then i judge myself for judging. Of course!

Nineteen years. You don’t just close your eyes and walk away. You don’t just turn it off and oh hi, new life.  No, one day is ok and you remember yourself and you feel free and good and the next day fucking hurts and you’re sobbing in a parking lot.

Sometimes me and Acceptance of What’s Happening are having tea and it’s ok and I’m nodding my head saying “Ok Turner, what’s next?” And sometimes I’m yelling at Acceptance about this sinking ship…”But why?! WHY are you sinking!!???” Sometimes I feel like I failed. Right now I want to feel better and I want to do a ton of creative things and be really productive. I know that helps me regain my balance. And I also want to lie down and rest. Like an all day Sivasana.

The wheel of painful awareness keeps spinning. I’ve always written a lot but the speed at which I’m filling notebooks now is surprising. I’m trying to look it in the face and not run away from it. I need a break from my own head though. All of the things that helped before help now. Friends, music, dancing, improv, good food. Especially Mac and Cheese. I’ve never eaten as much Mac and cheese in my life. I love Mac and cheese but the past month is outta hand. But also if you invited me out for mac and cheese i would go. I definitely would.

Am surprised in the middle of all of it…way down at the core under the freight train avalanche of feelings…..I am thankful…..not only for all the things we did together and years of trying to be better—-but for navigating this.  Allowing each other to be in the mess. For listening. For letting go.

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what a feeling back in pittsburgh

tootey toot toot!

things i’ve left behind on this tour:

1 phone charger in detroit.

1 phone charger in richmond

1 purpley tee shirt in DC

1 kick pedal in beacon, ny

1 merch light in beacon, ny

matt left these behind in michigan:

burt’s bees face soap in kalamazoo, mi

insulated clean canteen in kalamazoo, mi

***************************************

what is going on? i have never left so much stuff on tour before. we have checklists now. i’m losing it. or just relaxing. i can’t tell the difference sometimes.

so many great people we’re staying with on this tour and the reconnection of friends…it’s rejuvenating me.

rahne and kristen in baltimore and super chill fun july 4th with them and also new pals christina and andrea and keri/  and jen toner and jack in philly / sarah himmelfarb the doctor catch up time in DC and herschel and new pal loraine in richmond. and new york was ridiculous- come on!

i am planning a winter holiday there to see more friends.

not enough not enough. the intense social-ness of touring agrees with me.

in body news:

my shoulder has been hurting a little. i saw paula in new york and she said it might be because of how i’m holding the drumsticks/my grip……she says i’m holding my sticks like a timpani player…with the thumbs up and it’s putting strain on my shoulder- well actually pain is below my shoulder blade on the right side………am working on turning hands over in matchstick grip so it’s not straining but feel like i need to work on this more when i’m at home – i need time to incorporate a different grip in my playing. it’s the worst in the morning when i wake up….rest of the day the pain decreases as my body warms up.

is this boring? it might be boring. but note to drummers….check your grip. it’s one of the basics/ obvious things but you can forget…….

pittsburgh tonite!

it’s raining.

we’re playing in a bar called gooski’s.

they allow smoking there which makes me a little nervous cause me and smoke don’t get along that well but i can take breaks outside.

or maybe i’ll learn to smoke.

we are killing time at a coffeehouse called crazy mocha. we just ate a stale M&M cookie. i liked it.

and we ate at whole foods before that and got big salads. that’s how we roll. you have to eat your greens then you can eat whatever you want.

the one thing really motivating my performance tonite is knowing that pittsburgh is where they filmed flashdance.

welder by day/ dancer by night…what’s not to love?

poem for new york

driving fast on the FDR

how you walk down the street this is my walk boom boom boom

are they models? they look like models.

pierogies at veselka

rapid conversations hands hands and then you couldn’t believe it she said.

no, what i’m saying is about identity she said with a toothy smile……how are you in each moment fully yourself?

slice of pizza at 12:30am matt and I walking the lower east side and the streets still crowded. cool nite air still don’t need a sweater taking it to the subway  a little girl asleep on her dad’s shoulder.

walking with friends all day – getting into it. heavy and light conversations all of it  awareness new levels -we’re like oak trees in the middle of our life big leafy branches swinging around now with confidence and what’s next? the constant motion of this city I saw a woman completely take off her shirt and put on another one while walking down the street not missing a beat. boom this is how i walk!

stopping by our old apartment a tightness in my chest I told the construction worker “i used to live there”.  i looked up and remembered the rooftop and all the friends and parties and one time doing dance moves in a plastic swimming pool on july 4th and i laughed and then i sat down in the garden and cried.

oh new york you remind me of something that’s there all along but i forget sometimes.

the possibility of things

the possibility of myself

i call you home no matter how long it’s been.

yo new york!

omg where am i? i’m so tired. i had coffee it doesn’t matter i coulda slept 12 hours last nite. i got 7. hey that’s more than a lot of people. i am lucky!
i have a red welt – what i think is an insect bite on my left arm. it’s hive-ey but i think there’s a bite mark. it itches a little but not too bad. maybe it’s a spider bite and i’m dying. this is like an episode of maron where he thinks he has mouth cancer cause there’s a black mark on a canker sore but turns out he just ate licorice and a piece got stuck in his mouth. maybe it’s just a mosquito bite?

last nite was so fun to play an early all ages show at sugar city! i love watching jack toft. he is a genius rapper improv performance artist. i learn so much every time. i mean you wanna talk about someone diving off a cliff. he told me he just drank a 5 hour energy shot and couldn’t stop talking. he talked politics over dance beats and then lay down on the floor in a wriggling humping the floor dance move. i mean, hello.  buffalo on a thursday nite!
difficult nite was gorgeous. i love shane’s voice. i love miles’ 80’s keyboards.
i loved hanging out with all of them on damian’s porch having chips and beers post show.

Today is rochester at meddlesome lab! . we just ate at our fave breakfast spot, amy’s place. lentils and broccoli. we ate at the co-op last nite. thai peanut tofu wrap with spinach. i’m eating better on tour than at home! though i’m also sleep-deprived so maybe it balances out to a state of normalcy even flow pearl jam there’s a lot of eddie vedder on bathroom walls i’ve noticed.
ok off to walk around in the sunshine.
VIVA NEW YORKKKKKKK!

pure michigan

pure michigan.
did not see that coming. rascally father’s day show in kalamazoo! thanks to indie cuties with gnarly guitar sound cardboard highway and so antifolk they need to be at sidewalk NOW – the witty haha lala, and especially thanks to the free life for organizing everything and being post punk badass tenderhearts!

Thought it might be a sleepy sunday and we’d pull out tons of slow saddies, but turns out this crew was in it to win it. swaying heckling they even let me choreograph them on general custer when matt broke a string.
the new songs are feeling more confident 3 days in and also i’m discovering a rough form for the “improvised dance”……i do flash some moves out but i’m leaving space for matt’s words too. really interesting to think on the fly so fast. that’s why i love INTERPRETATIVE AND IMPROV cause it just IS in that moment//sometimes you hit the jackpot and sometimes you don’t. and oh well…next moment.
A gentlement in champaign said, “you are a DETERMINED drummer.” at first i was wondering whether to take it as an insult or a compliment…..i chose compliment cause i see what he meant that my movement is very intentional…I try to have intention in my drumming and also clarity and also to just serve the song…i don’t want to check out (or like paula says, “doing your laundry at home while you’re playing”)–I want the moments in the songs to have form and to also be present–not just a wash of muddle puddle.

slept well last nite even though half my body sank into the couch crater. We had to sleep on top of the couches cause when we tried to pull out the sofabed there was mouse poop on it. yes. i’m not a good camper. i’m afraid of dirt and spiders. So this diy touring lifestyle is actually quite a good exercise for me to overcome my fears of dirt and crawly things and even mouse poop.
hell i’m not gonna shower for two days again.
that’s right.
Lansing tonite!
you smell that? it’s just me.

tourtime!

so right. the tour!
well after the mini hopper last weekend we had a week of getting ready…..man i thought there’d be more time to relax but we were running around part time working and errands and repairs and puppy eye surgery (she’s much better little strawberry!). the car had to get repaired with ball bearing alignment thingy (ooof over 600 bucks). they had to do WELDING cause little parts were frozen shut on waylon. And that’s just the necessity of repairs so we can drive waylon on this tour. when we get home we have to get front struts replaced. whatevs i know we all got shit to repair. but yeah unexpected the timing of this one.

We saw belle and sebastian the nite before we left in kansas city and it was so fantastic…films and dancing the whole way through! also heard sarah sing more than i ever had live before – what a killer voice she has!. stuart danced the ENTIRE show. i mean the cardio stamina. ridiculous. so fun to hang out with bob and the gang after the show. a couple hours passed in the blink of an eye and we left at 1am armed with cereal, an avocado, and a packet of parmesan cheese….one thing about schwervon…..we don’t let a rider go to waste!

St. Louis brought the dance party last nite!  people walked into the little place busting moves for the free years and whoa thunder and it was great…a hot little joint that serves coffee and drinks where they push the tables back to dance. uh huh. and our fave STL indie power couples were there! sleepy kitty and bruiser queen hell yes! stayed up late talking with paige and evan on their rooftop and it felt like we were in between worlds kind of new york and midwest all at once.  After talking to them about their recent theatre experience I now want to see some immersive theatre (like houseworld yes).

After a lovely breakfast today of quiche and potatoes and kale salad (my fave- thanks sk!) – we got on the road. We’re in champaign now in the cooled air living room of john hoffleur (songwriting genius behind the beauty shop). looking forward to playing outside this evening at a venue called mike n mollys. first we’re gonna have a little bbq grill action. bring on the burgs!

yo, part 2

Yo it’s two days! two days in a row i’m writing! ok relax let’s not blow it. weekend hopper in the can. I didn’t wash my hair all weekend. I did shower with old spice bodywash last nite though.
We were so tired on the way home we sang all the hits from the 80’s. No really. Never say goodbye. Shake it Up. Love Bites.
Corey Hart. THIS song. oh man. HOW?

“I wear my sunglasses at night
So I can, So I can
Watch you weave then breathe your story lines
And I wear my sunglasses at night
So I can, So I can
Keep track of the visions in my eyes”

Iowa City. You are the cool writer man. You are the low clouds in a blue sky. You are “hey jack give me a stack”.  You are making me write beat poetry. Last night’s show was mellow. Despite the “there’s another show across town where people are at” thing and despite it being summertime in a college town – the people that did turn up were lovely.  We got a free dinner (I had a BLT and Matt had pork belly tacos), I interpretative danced on a great floor (clean enough to do the swimmer), and had some good convos about KC and public transportation (and the lack thereof).
Thank you Justin of The Sapwoods for being so sweet to us /playing with us/ letting us sleep on your soft pillow dream cloud couches.

We are home for a few days and then off again to STL on Friday. stay cool, do your laundry, cook something healthy…….make some lists. forget some shit. write some shit.
practice practice practice. I need shorts. I need sunscreen. i need shorts! summering!!

yo!

Is this thing on?

Hi welcome back. Figured I’d pick up where I left off.

ON TOUR.

3 YEARS LATER! have I been touring for 3 years? no. but a lot of these past 3 years I’ve been touring. I don’t know why i stopped blogging. self consciousness? blog depression? People only read facebook? i’d rather read?

yeah maybe all of that.

whatevs. I’m BACKKKKKK!

This weekend is Chicago and Iowa City. We hit chicago punchy from driving 9+ hours. We stopped in Hannibal, MO at a diner for spicy black bean burgers and salad. Check it out. healthy! Also i cut up little broccoli and carrots for the ride. The show was at a little diy space called auxiliary arts club where the guys who run it also brew their own beer so with the price of admission they give you some of their latest…last nite it was english pale ale. tasty.

had a fun,sweaty show and even though my horoscope said that “in performance it is best to be reserved.” I wasn’t. I talked a lot.
Was great to reconnect with our nyc friend randi russo who is living in chicago now and painting up a storm and making art pieces. I wish we would’ve had time to see her stuff but alas….you blow into town and rock n roll you gotta make your home the venue and see what happens after that.

Was a pleasure to see The Curls play. They are a lovable band reminiscent at times of belle and sebastian…good songs! Michael from that band let us crash in his house and even gave us his bed. What a champion! Thank you Michael.

We got up early. We’re old, shut up. And then we went to breakfast at Flying Saucer. Black bean cakes with eggs and red pepper sauce with a side of mixed green and grits. HIGHLY recommended.

Then matt and i walked to the park and he did a bunch of jumping jacks and i stretched right there in the sidewalk doing some yoga poses and breathing loudly.  We walked and looked at the pond and a duck sitting in the shade and decided it was time to drive to Iowa.

I write you from a cafe called “java house” in Iowa City. This is where writers live.  Good writers come to iowa and soak in writerly ness. I just spilled a large coffee all over a table but this nice barista fellow who called me “ma’am” cleaned it up and gave me a new one. I feel guilty.

Not so guilty I didn’t ask for a new one. And a big cookie.

Look I’m hoping Iowa City goes a little better than last time we played here.

Last time I was sick. It was cold. We had bad chinese food.

But tonite it’s warm out.

It’s a saturday nite.

I think they’re feeding us dinner at the venue.

The little things.

More tomorrow.

Or in 3 years.

you never know!

when’s the next tour?

Ah yes the momentum of moving. well this is the thing isn’t it? once you stop you want to move again. jet lag has had us up at 6 am for two days in a row. I’m completely disoriented and wake up in the night wondering where I am and where the bathroom is and then sighing with relief that we’re home. jet lag is a strange experience -your brain gets a little fuzzy at a few points during the day -the first night we were home it’s like the edges of the room were in soft focus as I crawled under the covers -and next thing i knew i was waking up 10 hours later.

note to self: try not to go through houston airport for the transfer to KC – on one hand we were lucky cause we missed the ny storm but on the other hand – talk about the  most inefficient customs passport control ever. An hour and a half we were in line waiting. Matt and I tried to go through customs together (we usually do since we travel together) but because we weren’t married (!) they made me stand behind the line and go separately. oh texas. We almost missed our connecting flight. Though running through airports is one way to get your cardio in.

THAT was a fun tour! I’m still processing it. Little snippets come back to me. Now I can laugh about the hellishly long drive to nantes. Now that i’m not doing it. ha ha. whew that was a long one!

i took a HANDFUL OF PICS.

Thanks to everyone who put on shows for us and came to the shows! Thanks to people for giving so much to us, for being such kindhearts…..From Tina and Simon helping carry our bags around tube stations in London to the eccentric artist Nick who made soup before our nottingham show to Klaus loaning his CAR (!) for the 3 weeks of the European tour. To sweet Regensburg friends loaning their backline. To the man in Zurich who got the best dance party started ever. To the people that enjoyed our shows.  To the people who made amazing meals for us. (damn we ate well. from jacqui’s beef wellington in aberdeen to caro’s veggie curry in Zurich to anna’s risotto in regensburg). Seriously.

Thank you.

*****************************

so what’s next?

first order of business. Try not to do so much. Enjoy a few days of resting. Have already made veggie chili and have eaten several bowls of kale. restoring.
We are going to jam though today. JAMMING! the weather is gorgeous here – was 75 degrees yesterday. I’m going to walk in the park. i’m going to buy a new hi hat stand. Find a dance class.  Call everyone i know. Change my voicemail message. You know, the usual.

(w/frances mckee in glasgow)

i want a toastie

I have not blogged once. i guess i’ve been on an internet break this tour a little, which is nice after the summer of booking. matt is great about pics and short blogs so hey….put another shrimp on the barbie and i’ll read my book here. Am on 3rd game of thrones book.

manchester…..
right now matt is watching clips of ny hurricane damage and we’re sipping coffee in bed. new york friends you’re in my thoughts and i’m hoping you’re warm and safe.luckily we can chill at dave’s for a couple hours before heading out to the train onto our next show.

last nite
There was rain seeping in on the roof of the castle hotel stage.
luckily it was only a few drops behind matt.
the actual show sounded a lot better than soundcheck – i could hear the vocals and we kept guitar volume down and some fabric on the snare which helped us be able to hear the vocals. castle hotel was what they call a “PROPER PUB”. it was warm and cozy with lots of local ale choices and tables to sit at. we had an ale but then i felt tired so i had a coke then herbal tea. and at least a couple litres of water. it’s all about the water really. keep hydrated. there was a girl who came up to me right after and said she was inspired by my drumming and was a drummer too.
i love that shit.
and another girl came up and said she last saw us when she was 15!
and here we were still doing music and she liked the changes and how we developed our sound.

Performing.
When janet weiss said she drums for her life every night i know what she means. you put all of yourself into it…..you can’t really phone it in (well i can’t) even if it means you’re a bit sluggy one night or speedy the next – you gotta be there fully warts and all. put on top of that the new stuff matt and i are doing which are these quiet harmonies on top of the music….and even my drum teacher paula was like, “well that’s pretty hard what you’re trying to do.” ha! no wonder i feel like i’m patting my head and rubbing my tummy at the same time. how the hell does georgia hubley do this? i will say that touring and playing 28 shows in a row has made me BETTER on these songs though. it really has. or maybe i just FEEL better about them which makes me PLAY better.
we surf in and out of the 4th wall – i like talking to the audience between the songs. i like listening to matt talk too. you know – if you’ve every seen him play you KNOW.

i am excited to get home and start working on new material. now that courage is out and the songs are reaching their potential it’s a bit of closure and we can make space in our heads for NEW NEW NEW.

Stamina.
There is nothing like playing so many shows in a row and the intense fatigue of it…..it’s actually not the PLAYING that is fatigue-ing – it’s the travelling and constant motion.  after about a week i stopped partying so much and staying up so late. not like matt and i are party animals we totally are not -but even staying out dance party till 2am  -i just couldn’t survive at that pace. more sleep less booze and good food. sadly exercise has fallen off the agenda entirely. now it’s about stretching and lifting our bags up and down train stairs. i guess that IS exercise…just not the kind i was used to.
our sets are shorter in the uk cause we’re usually playing with at least 2 and sometimes 3 other bands.
in germany we were playing hour long sets – sometimes more….it was crazy…..
…….
I miss klaus and Andy.
we were so lucky to have german driver friends helping us. Having that one extra person to drive and help with gear and logistics was wonderful. also those guys are such sweet people – what did we do right in this life to have them travel around with us? And let me tell you I was kind of a brat sometimes cause i get frustrated by things i can’t control – tired and crabby bickers with matt and a couple tear filled meltdowns – and these guys were kind and had a sense of humor throughout it all …. the thing with me is that i feel stuff really intensely and then it’s over.  i’m transparent but it passes quickly– matt and my motto is just “get it out” and then it’s gone and you can think about something else.

i feel like touring is getting easier for us on some levels…..is it that i’m more experienced and know what i need?
or is it that the shows are getting just a tiny bit better? with our development as a band and with more people at the shows?
maybe a bit of both.

i’m trying to savor these last few shows.
i know i’ll miss touring the second we’re not doing it.
am REALLY excited about glasgow and seeing frances and eugene and paul again! and our friends adey & emma!
also psyched about aberdeen and re-connecting with jacqui and gary….the plan is the shows end sunday and we hang out in aberdeen monday and tuesday and go home on wednesday.

and gummo gummo gummo i will bury my nose in his fur i miss him so!

by the way london was amazing. not only was the nite kickass (thanks tom from david cronenberg’s wife for organizing the whole shebang) but we got to see old friends (tina! richard adderley!) and we had a day off at simon and kelly’s and kelly cooked us delicious vegan meals the entire time. i will dream about the thai red curry.

pictures to come when i’m back in kc. and more tour notes (paris! switzerland!)