I woke up today and wanted to write about it.
I know I don’t owe anyone an explanation. I know I can say something or not say something. People will find out in time. But writing is my anchor and here we are.
Matt and I have separated.
I moved out of our house in early September.I had hoped separation and space would bring clarity. Moving out felt like a clear step in the middle of so much uncertainty. We worked hard to make this relationship work (for a long time) until it finally became obvious it wasn’t working and the one thing that hadn’t been tried was stopping trying.
It seems like when people die- grief has clear markers. That person was alive and now they’re not. Maybe it’s more socially acceptable to be a mess when someone passes away. Grieving a relationship…..i don’t know. The markers feel fuzzier. They build up over time and the separation falling away layers are so slow- sometimes it’s subtle all the little things you think might’ve caused the distance. Then there are some bigger markers where you know things need to shift and change but maybe you think it’s just a rough patch or you’ve weathered it before and it will get better. You don’t want it to be over so you don’t let it be over. It’s messy. Then there comes a moment of clarity, shattering and humbling and also you know it’s the right thing in your gut even though your heart fucking hurts. I haven’t wanted to talk to many people except my shrink and a few friends about all this. I’m not sure why I want to write and share this now, and in such a public way, but I do.. I just want people to know. Not like I’m harboring a secret but my world is different. Sometimes when I’ve told people we’re separated, there’s judgement based on their own story of who they want you to be – or who they thought you were with this person. Sometimes I feel a little embarrassed to be letting them down. But mostly people have been kind. Mostly the judgement happening is my own – judging myself for how I was in the relationship, and for how I am dealing with things now. And then i judge myself for judging. Of course!
Nineteen years. You don’t just close your eyes and walk away. You don’t just turn it off and oh hi, new life. No, one day is ok and you remember yourself and you feel free and good and the next day fucking hurts and you’re sobbing in a parking lot.
Sometimes me and Acceptance of What’s Happening are having tea and it’s ok and I’m nodding my head saying “Ok Turner, what’s next?” And sometimes I’m yelling at Acceptance about this sinking ship…”But why?! WHY are you sinking!!???” Sometimes I feel like I failed. Right now I want to feel better and I want to do a ton of creative things and be really productive. I know that helps me regain my balance. And I also want to lie down and rest. Like an all day Sivasana.
The wheel of painful awareness keeps spinning. I’ve always written a lot but the speed at which I’m filling notebooks now is surprising. I’m trying to look it in the face and not run away from it. I need a break from my own head though. All of the things that helped before help now. Friends, music, dancing, improv, good food. Especially Mac and Cheese. I’ve never eaten as much Mac and cheese in my life. I love Mac and cheese but the past month is outta hand. But also if you invited me out for mac and cheese i would go. I definitely would.
Am surprised in the middle of all of it…way down at the core under the freight train avalanche of feelings…..I am thankful…..not only for all the things we did together and years of trying to be better—-but for navigating this. Allowing each other to be in the mess. For listening. For letting go.
tootey toot toot!
things i’ve left behind on this tour:
1 phone charger in detroit.
1 phone charger in richmond
1 purpley tee shirt in DC
1 kick pedal in beacon, ny
1 merch light in beacon, ny
matt left these behind in michigan:
burt’s bees face soap in kalamazoo, mi
insulated clean canteen in kalamazoo, mi
what is going on? i have never left so much stuff on tour before. we have checklists now. i’m losing it. or just relaxing. i can’t tell the difference sometimes.
so many great people we’re staying with on this tour and the reconnection of friends…it’s rejuvenating me.
rahne and kristen in baltimore and super chill fun july 4th with them and also new pals christina and andrea and keri/ and jen toner and jack in philly / sarah himmelfarb the doctor catch up time in DC and herschel and new pal loraine in richmond. and new york was ridiculous- come on!
i am planning a winter holiday there to see more friends.
not enough not enough. the intense social-ness of touring agrees with me.
in body news:
my shoulder has been hurting a little. i saw paula in new york and she said it might be because of how i’m holding the drumsticks/my grip……she says i’m holding my sticks like a timpani player…with the thumbs up and it’s putting strain on my shoulder- well actually pain is below my shoulder blade on the right side………am working on turning hands over in matchstick grip so it’s not straining but feel like i need to work on this more when i’m at home – i need time to incorporate a different grip in my playing. it’s the worst in the morning when i wake up….rest of the day the pain decreases as my body warms up.
is this boring? it might be boring. but note to drummers….check your grip. it’s one of the basics/ obvious things but you can forget…….
we’re playing in a bar called gooski’s.
they allow smoking there which makes me a little nervous cause me and smoke don’t get along that well but i can take breaks outside.
or maybe i’ll learn to smoke.
we are killing time at a coffeehouse called crazy mocha. we just ate a stale M&M cookie. i liked it.
and we ate at whole foods before that and got big salads. that’s how we roll. you have to eat your greens then you can eat whatever you want.
the one thing really motivating my performance tonite is knowing that pittsburgh is where they filmed flashdance.
welder by day/ dancer by night…what’s not to love?
driving fast on the FDR
how you walk down the street this is my walk boom boom boom
are they models? they look like models.
pierogies at veselka
rapid conversations hands hands and then you couldn’t believe it she said.
no, what i’m saying is about identity she said with a toothy smile……how are you in each moment fully yourself?
slice of pizza at 12:30am matt and I walking the lower east side and the streets still crowded. cool nite air still don’t need a sweater taking it to the subway a little girl asleep on her dad’s shoulder.
walking with friends all day – getting into it. heavy and light conversations all of it awareness new levels -we’re like oak trees in the middle of our life big leafy branches swinging around now with confidence and what’s next? the constant motion of this city I saw a woman completely take off her shirt and put on another one while walking down the street not missing a beat. boom this is how i walk!
stopping by our old apartment a tightness in my chest I told the construction worker “i used to live there”. i looked up and remembered the rooftop and all the friends and parties and one time doing dance moves in a plastic swimming pool on july 4th and i laughed and then i sat down in the garden and cried.
oh new york you remind me of something that’s there all along but i forget sometimes.
the possibility of things
the possibility of myself
i call you home no matter how long it’s been.
omg where am i? i’m so tired. i had coffee it doesn’t matter i coulda slept 12 hours last nite. i got 7. hey that’s more than a lot of people. i am lucky!
i have a red welt – what i think is an insect bite on my left arm. it’s hive-ey but i think there’s a bite mark. it itches a little but not too bad. maybe it’s a spider bite and i’m dying. this is like an episode of maron where he thinks he has mouth cancer cause there’s a black mark on a canker sore but turns out he just ate licorice and a piece got stuck in his mouth. maybe it’s just a mosquito bite?
last nite was so fun to play an early all ages show at sugar city! i love watching jack toft. he is a genius rapper improv performance artist. i learn so much every time. i mean you wanna talk about someone diving off a cliff. he told me he just drank a 5 hour energy shot and couldn’t stop talking. he talked politics over dance beats and then lay down on the floor in a wriggling humping the floor dance move. i mean, hello. buffalo on a thursday nite!
difficult nite was gorgeous. i love shane’s voice. i love miles’ 80’s keyboards.
i loved hanging out with all of them on damian’s porch having chips and beers post show.
Today is rochester at meddlesome lab! . we just ate at our fave breakfast spot, amy’s place. lentils and broccoli. we ate at the co-op last nite. thai peanut tofu wrap with spinach. i’m eating better on tour than at home! though i’m also sleep-deprived so maybe it balances out to a state of normalcy even flow pearl jam there’s a lot of eddie vedder on bathroom walls i’ve noticed.
ok off to walk around in the sunshine.
VIVA NEW YORKKKKKKK!
did not see that coming. rascally father’s day show in kalamazoo! thanks to indie cuties with gnarly guitar sound cardboard highway and so antifolk they need to be at sidewalk NOW – the witty haha lala, and especially thanks to the free life for organizing everything and being post punk badass tenderhearts!
Thought it might be a sleepy sunday and we’d pull out tons of slow saddies, but turns out this crew was in it to win it. swaying heckling they even let me choreograph them on general custer when matt broke a string.
the new songs are feeling more confident 3 days in and also i’m discovering a rough form for the “improvised dance”……i do flash some moves out but i’m leaving space for matt’s words too. really interesting to think on the fly so fast. that’s why i love INTERPRETATIVE AND IMPROV cause it just IS in that moment//sometimes you hit the jackpot and sometimes you don’t. and oh well…next moment.
A gentlement in champaign said, “you are a DETERMINED drummer.” at first i was wondering whether to take it as an insult or a compliment…..i chose compliment cause i see what he meant that my movement is very intentional…I try to have intention in my drumming and also clarity and also to just serve the song…i don’t want to check out (or like paula says, “doing your laundry at home while you’re playing”)–I want the moments in the songs to have form and to also be present–not just a wash of muddle puddle.
slept well last nite even though half my body sank into the couch crater. We had to sleep on top of the couches cause when we tried to pull out the sofabed there was mouse poop on it. yes. i’m not a good camper. i’m afraid of dirt and spiders. So this diy touring lifestyle is actually quite a good exercise for me to overcome my fears of dirt and crawly things and even mouse poop.
hell i’m not gonna shower for two days again.
you smell that? it’s just me.
so right. the tour!
well after the mini hopper last weekend we had a week of getting ready…..man i thought there’d be more time to relax but we were running around part time working and errands and repairs and puppy eye surgery (she’s much better little strawberry!). the car had to get repaired with ball bearing alignment thingy (ooof over 600 bucks). they had to do WELDING cause little parts were frozen shut on waylon. And that’s just the necessity of repairs so we can drive waylon on this tour. when we get home we have to get front struts replaced. whatevs i know we all got shit to repair. but yeah unexpected the timing of this one.
We saw belle and sebastian the nite before we left in kansas city and it was so fantastic…films and dancing the whole way through! also heard sarah sing more than i ever had live before – what a killer voice she has!. stuart danced the ENTIRE show. i mean the cardio stamina. ridiculous. so fun to hang out with bob and the gang after the show. a couple hours passed in the blink of an eye and we left at 1am armed with cereal, an avocado, and a packet of parmesan cheese….one thing about schwervon…..we don’t let a rider go to waste!
St. Louis brought the dance party last nite! people walked into the little place busting moves for the free years and whoa thunder and it was great…a hot little joint that serves coffee and drinks where they push the tables back to dance. uh huh. and our fave STL indie power couples were there! sleepy kitty and bruiser queen hell yes! stayed up late talking with paige and evan on their rooftop and it felt like we were in between worlds kind of new york and midwest all at once. After talking to them about their recent theatre experience I now want to see some immersive theatre (like houseworld yes).
After a lovely breakfast today of quiche and potatoes and kale salad (my fave- thanks sk!) – we got on the road. We’re in champaign now in the cooled air living room of john hoffleur (songwriting genius behind the beauty shop). looking forward to playing outside this evening at a venue called mike n mollys. first we’re gonna have a little bbq grill action. bring on the burgs!
Yo it’s two days! two days in a row i’m writing! ok relax let’s not blow it. weekend hopper in the can. I didn’t wash my hair all weekend. I did shower with old spice bodywash last nite though.
We were so tired on the way home we sang all the hits from the 80’s. No really. Never say goodbye. Shake it Up. Love Bites.
Corey Hart. THIS song. oh man. HOW?
“I wear my sunglasses at night
So I can, So I can
Watch you weave then breathe your story lines
And I wear my sunglasses at night
So I can, So I can
Keep track of the visions in my eyes”
Iowa City. You are the cool writer man. You are the low clouds in a blue sky. You are “hey jack give me a stack”. You are making me write beat poetry. Last night’s show was mellow. Despite the “there’s another show across town where people are at” thing and despite it being summertime in a college town – the people that did turn up were lovely. We got a free dinner (I had a BLT and Matt had pork belly tacos), I interpretative danced on a great floor (clean enough to do the swimmer), and had some good convos about KC and public transportation (and the lack thereof).
Thank you Justin of The Sapwoods for being so sweet to us /playing with us/ letting us sleep on your soft pillow dream cloud couches.
We are home for a few days and then off again to STL on Friday. stay cool, do your laundry, cook something healthy…….make some lists. forget some shit. write some shit.
practice practice practice. I need shorts. I need sunscreen. i need shorts! summering!!