oh hi feelings.

I woke up today and wanted to write about it.

I know I don’t owe anyone an explanation. I know I can say something or not say something. People will find out in time. But writing is my anchor and here we are.

Matt and I have separated.
I moved out of our house in early September.I had hoped separation and space would bring clarity. Moving out felt like a clear step in the middle of so much uncertainty. We worked hard to make this relationship work (for a long time) until it finally became obvious it wasn’t working and the one thing that hadn’t been tried was stopping trying.

It seems like when people die- grief has clear markers. That person was alive and now they’re not.  Maybe it’s more socially acceptable to be a mess when someone passes away.  Grieving a relationship…..i don’t know. The markers feel fuzzier. They build up over time and the separation falling away layers are so slow- sometimes it’s subtle all the little things you think might’ve caused the distance. Then there are some bigger markers where you know things need to shift and change but maybe you think it’s just a rough patch or you’ve weathered it before and it will get better. You don’t want it to be over so you don’t let it be over. It’s messy. Then there comes a moment of clarity, shattering and humbling and also you know it’s the right thing in your gut even though your heart fucking hurts. I haven’t wanted to talk to many people except my shrink and a few friends about all this. I’m not sure why I want to write and share this now, and in such a public way, but I do.. I just want people to know. Not like I’m harboring a secret but my world is different. Sometimes when I’ve told people we’re separated, there’s judgement based on their own story of who they want you to be – or who they thought you were with this person. Sometimes I feel a little embarrassed to be letting them down. But mostly people have been kind. Mostly the judgement happening is my own – judging myself for how I was in the relationship, and for how I am dealing with things now.  And then i judge myself for judging. Of course!

Nineteen years. You don’t just close your eyes and walk away. You don’t just turn it off and oh hi, new life.  No, one day is ok and you remember yourself and you feel free and good and the next day fucking hurts and you’re sobbing in a parking lot.

Sometimes me and Acceptance of What’s Happening are having tea and it’s ok and I’m nodding my head saying “Ok Turner, what’s next?” And sometimes I’m yelling at Acceptance about this sinking ship…”But why?! WHY are you sinking!!???” Sometimes I feel like I failed. Right now I want to feel better and I want to do a ton of creative things and be really productive. I know that helps me regain my balance. And I also want to lie down and rest. Like an all day Sivasana.

The wheel of painful awareness keeps spinning. I’ve always written a lot but the speed at which I’m filling notebooks now is surprising. I’m trying to look it in the face and not run away from it. I need a break from my own head though. All of the things that helped before help now. Friends, music, dancing, improv, good food. Especially Mac and Cheese. I’ve never eaten as much Mac and cheese in my life. I love Mac and cheese but the past month is outta hand. But also if you invited me out for mac and cheese i would go. I definitely would.

Am surprised in the middle of all of it…way down at the core under the freight train avalanche of feelings…..I am thankful…..not only for all the things we did together and years of trying to be better—-but for navigating this.  Allowing each other to be in the mess. For listening. For letting go.

About ntwildstyle

I am a musician, writer, singer, improv actor, dancer and a virgo. I live in Kansas City, MO after many years in NYC.
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